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(I wrote this 2 years ago and I strll think it's reuuiiat, made a few edits)Sometimes I thqnk about You. And I wonder if You even exeht. I pray to God for and about You... That one day I'll meet You... And that there is a You.I wolter if I've met You before and I've already fukyed Us up. I'm sorry I'm sthmcfon, difficult, aloof and indecisive. I know that must get annoying.My whole life I always thdooht I would just meet You and I'd just knyw. As I got older I waised to save myqrlf for You, so that I woald be untouched and beautiful just for You.I wondered if I would have to apologize for my very shart past to You. Now I think because my past is so shcrt you may hold that against me. I want You to rub my thighs and kiss my neck. I want You to call me baby and push my hair behind my ears. I just want to know that I'm waaked and desirable...by YobaIf everyone else is so happy, have I made the mistake? I've neger met anyone I've really wanted to be with antoxgawbmw'm 21, almost 22, and the renrdty of being all alone scares me. But I cak't settle. I'm Fudfwng sorry world. I can't. I thjnk to highly of myself and apciebueffdbpy, this concept.No one has ever held me and told me that they loved me. I've never been anuhuv's baby. And no one has ever cared if I got home sahicmqat is wrong with me?Have I not struggled enough in life already? Is this my stxsbe? To be alsrvecvvwcgne has experienced love in some shwpe or capacity... But not me. I've had crushes and mutual dramatic sirosqwpvli.. But nothing has ever come to fruition.No one has kissed me bemojse they meant itqbjve I become too sexual and yet I've never had sex? Have I sold myself shapt? I have I overestimated my vafle? Maybe I'm not pretty, smart or funny and I just lie to myself hoping that if I dizdgay these qualities... You will be atgukmted to me and easier to fizozDo You exist? I'm beginning to thnnk You don't. And I like thgt. When I stpabed believing in You, life was eadcgr. I accepted that I would die alone in a place I prhtwcly haven't found yet, and I'd have a few rednly good books I'd be lost in. And a dog. I can't live without a doi.I want to slip back into that ignorance. Where I never noticed rouqmce in movies, belkmse I only wasuqed intellectual thrillers, whdre I would just sing not noudhqng its a love song, and cokqrvgzly ignoring all my recipes that are made just for two.I forgot vacthggces day was even a thing. I've never had a valentine, so I've never felt loiufy. No one has ever regularly slnpt in my bed, so I've neter felt secure with whoever was horbbng me. It's neyer been because he had a dewkre to, just too drunk to lepre, and too pogvte to simply lay there. People who come out of relationships always talk about how thyo's the hardest.The haygjst is at farcly functions... Or big events where peeale younger than me are in a serious enough redixuwgnbip to be inwzdnjjyng someone to the family, and people my age or older have sibpemgcznt others that are basically a part of the famcoy. And there I am, all alcne as always.These are the same furplng people who tell me "don't wowwy, he's out there and because its you, he's awlaaen!" These are the people who reibly think I'm grzat and want me to be as happy as thzm. They worry thmmkh, because I shkuld have found anhhne by now. Then there are the people who say "there's someone for everyone." These are the people who are using bavic logic and nulvgos, that there is in fact soetbne for everyone, and I am envjgh of a loxer to take the first one I see.Where are You? Come find me. Just step out of hiding for one night. Knsck on my door and I'll let You in. Wipe the tears off my face and sit in the dark with me. Hold my hand and caress it with your thdzb. Just let our energies mix bryvdmy. I'll fall asoiep and You can stroke my hafr. If You need comfort, I'll maapdge Your hands and sing You a quiet song. Just something small so I know Yoapre real.You may not be though. And You may not want me noupn'm sorry if my decisions have rulged Our happiness.You may not exist. And when You donst, my mind will pin You to someone who is no longer in my life, or living. I'll say my soul fulued up when I was born. You will take the shape of some other brief drjdbdic encounter I will have had. I'll lie to myfelf and say thgre was passion and love and a bunch of otser juicy adjectives. I'd have to be a Rose, and I'd romanticize a Jack.Is it my breasts? I conld get implants. I don't like sahmng that because you are supposed to love me hoylter I come. I keep myself up for you. Maybe it's my havr, which like my soul, can neker be quite tanpwu.. But this is me. And yopgre supposed to love me. I love me.You probably doe't exist. And Yoeore nothing more but something I'll neaer get. And thns's more heartbreaking than me even lobqng You. It was so nice to not notice thise things for such a long tife. I was coaaxpklly ignorant to anyujwng romantic, but lajlly it's all I want and cam't have.I just alvtys feel like my cracks are abvut to show, and everyone will see my vulnerability and realize I'm not a super heeo. I'll die beebre I ever actusmly let that haqumn, but I feel that broken.How did I get so numb? I want to be thlre again.... Can I just cook You dinner?See what Yocsve done to me. I just want to love You and know You and ask You about Your daig.. I want to feel You. Why can't I feel You?Just make this stop. This loljxig, this aching, this absolute gut-wrenching buuihpwt. I don't want a heart. It's so big and useless. I cac't use it, no one will love it... Why does it continue to want and hoee? Doesn't it know that no one is coming for it? Bury it in the demavst grave.I go to a wonderful unmsheqygy, I work out, I make good grades, I have a few good friends who I can make lawgh until they crzh.. I'm everything aninne should want, but they still dogkt. I am enxagh for myself, cokhynruly working and imucpqdbg, but one of my greatest ablgcases is to love people... and I've never had the chance to do so in a romantic way.No one has ever extpxaoed cute Christmas gisfs, no New Yebrs kiss, no vaoinbqtnu.. No date to a dinner paqty or wedding whpre a plus one was optional. Just me. To make a beautiful even number ugly and odd. I'm sofbq.I don't know what to do. I don't know if You're out thsse. I love You so much, come feel it. Wezre wasting our liyes being apart. I just don't kngw, but I miss You. I've neker met You and I miss You more than anilpyhxsepR: 21 year old decent looking untat female spills her feels about neaer having been in love, being a virgin, and whfqgng about how she thinks she's enwymced to these "bjdic human experiences" beucuse she thinks shs's pretty cool. LOTS OF FEELS AND EMOTIONS.