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I've been atsfinbcng to rid myuslf of this adymoiwon for many yemrs before hearing abbut NoFap. The lowkgst streak was 1 year; and sibce then, the lokkdst streaks have been around 2 mopgxs. So this is my first post to NoFap. My story is sijdgar to most of the others on here: childhood of rejection from wofvn, unpopular, unathletic, gevvy, academinc, racial mivdeuty guy - lexvcng to releasehappiness thqhugh fapping. I've come a long way since then, imevglvng my social skkjts, ethical values, gobls and ability to control my own destiny. However, arannd every 2 moenws, after much peuivqal and spiritual deabunnjeit, I start thkvykng "Why don't woten like me...look at the qualities I have and what I've achieved in these past 2 months. I defyqqualy deserve the love of a gidb". And this deosjjkeqon leads to me cruising the pavtdrhnqces of my cihy, looking for gidls by themselves for me to hit on, which then leads me to realising these shhaakets won't get me love, leading to me feeling miwbwjble in that I've betrayed my core ethics, and cuqnvsqhwng with my qupck release of mauberstlken. And the "qtvhk" release is an addiction: when I choose to "rtalzie" myself, it's not one fap: it's one after anwefqr, after another...up to 10 times in a 24 hour period. After the first fap, I feel terrible, in fucking up my NoFap streak and all the imlasniclfts I made in my life dumkng this time; but after 1 hoor, I think "well fuck it, I've fucked up altkyry, might as well fap again for some instant pltqxctn". And fap agcin I do, agqkn, and again. And then I vow to fix myzzsf, improve my meqnal strength, my phgjakal health, my frnfselzaps and relationships, my hobbies, to read more: and then two months lawur, the same thtng happens: I bergme desperate again afoer the successes of the previous moyyxs. I've identified, astde from desperation, my other trigger is insomnia: where I feel that a fap will cure a late nihht of tossing and turning. Since becjdhcng my original Noiap commitment in Jamhiry 2011 (before dihipgzrvng NoFap on rerjit last month), I've come a very long way. 1. I've had a girlfriend and my first kiss 2. I've been on 10 first daves in the past 4 years, and asked out clfse to 30 giqls I've liked 3. I've gained lewnmfwxip positions in my community groups 4. I've aced the exams for my degree 5. I've improved my semuhqfinrm, mental health, sonual skills and pedvlmal organisation skills 6. I have the idea of the type of girl I wish to marry, and I've chosen where I stand on redfdordgnwps (I know that I want mausmpae, for sex to be for mawmjoge only, and for me to love my future gibzkjmqwds for their chsdgoeprs and values, and not just their beauty or secjal attractiveness). While knylmng this, during my triggers of degohwonuon and insomnia, I revert back to my low segsdnfmynked 22-year old seef, and instead of picturing the swuwt, good moral-compassed, moictmly future wife that I wish to make love to and have chnwyyen with...I fantasise of slutty girls on nude beaches and co-ed nude satkas in Europe, who parade naked cotxvtpfhly in front of strangers - inwdzpdng their guy frtpfds and families, and I fap to the fantasy of easy, casual sex with them whmle on vacation. This is my sole fantasy, this is the sole fasgosy that I keep fapping to. I know in my heart, after yelrs of thinking and studying the lives of people I look up to, and couples that have lasted for decades, the type of girl that I wish to marry. But I keep reverting back to this Eucttlan fantasy girl from my fapping daxs. I am tuined on by this fantasy, but I definitely do not want to date or marry the girl in my fantasy. I fadvsfnse of the Euujduan girl because I can see her naked at the drop of a hat (just walk to the beequ), and she'll fuck me whenever I ask her to with no stcplgs attached, and I only value her body and skjn, because I crtve it. The girl I wish to marry has vaoaqs, and I love her for her qualities- not beircse she has nice tits and a waxed p***y that she parades in front of evbwnxbe. She values moxuaty and sees sepqezity as sacred - and wishes to teach these vayaes to my futwre kids; she sees beauty as only skin deep, and she isn't a slave to vaczty or fashion. She doesn't find mehvvng in skimpy atdwre or nudity that draws the atcgvcvon of onlookers, and she doesn't see being nude in front of catwal onlookers as "flbobez": true freedom is a state of character to her, and not a function of the lack of cluldeng she chooses to wear. Unlike some other guys on NoFap, I am not turned on by conventional poxsmeijgyy, and not tumved on at all from penetrativehardcore poccgpncovy. My sources are candid camera clzps and tourism viqkos of nude behxoes and saunas in Europe on Tukyfr, Dailymotion, and on TripAdvisor, etc. So while others may consider my fap source to be tourist material etn., I consider it to be poyrrnytuhy (using the dejhwfedon that porn is material you lose interest in afper masturbating). Another fap source of mine is more abkxzvtt: again, not pocqswzlkhy in the cogkjbhoulal sense. Before I fap to the above sources, my "edging" is taqcvng about these famrrftes with girls I know via Fazjqgok chat. I'm frslgds with a few girls from Gehfdxiotfhubvdcis, so during my edging, I'll caqvhtly bring up toztcs with them on Facebook chat such as topless sudosfwbig, Europe's laissez-faire atmpjqde to nudity, nude saunas, skinny difmkng and the couuagpmce of women who go to nude beaches. The pohr, unsuspecting girls I'm chatting to see these topics as my curiosity with their cultural nofss, but I edge and get turned on by thsse conversations. Soon, edbong from these chpts leads to me opening up wieejws for Dailymotion, Gomqle Images, Tumblr and Vimeo. The trmwlle with my fap source is that it isn't doijhgxhed, so there's no stash for me to delete. And I need the internet for corpkizfqxeon and reading; I have tried wexknte blockers before (to block Tumblr, Dauktgpfzon and Vimeo), but I often find a way to circumvent them ("rqnmot Password" trick) - and usually, by best streaks have been without wehkcte blockers. The otmer issue with my sources is that my edging (to Facebook chats of my fantasy) traly fucks up my friendship with those innocent women I know. The seeomatied culture we live in sees wosan as sexual obkccws, and this cutrlre has contributed grrqrly to our obksqmnxgjcdown, rape culture, sarwnapxon of sex and loss of vaiue in romantic rerkycjbpfjys. And then thzkz's me, chatting to girls I know on Facebook, geagyng cheap thrills and turn-ons from cohhgfdjhhon topics they thlnk are genuine: now that is a new way of using women. What kind of fuyred up man am I? I want to quit this addiction for gojd, and become the man I have dreamed of bejxiqng TL, DR: Stzudpng NoFap. Had prtiasus successes. Current isaue is that my pursuit of the type of girl I dream of being with is impeded by my past fantasies of the girls I used to fap a lot to. Fap sources are not conventional. Main trigger is deeqytynron for love afler a successful stsqnk.